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He didn't know why he felt the way he did about the human femme who had just asked him to stay with the Autobots. Something in his Spark ached at the thought of leaving her behind. She seemed to be the only one who really and truly wanted to get to know him and be a friend to him. Closing his optics, he heard Hot Shot voice the same sentiments as Alexis and he had to keep all of his willpower in check lest he miss his chance to make his appointment with Fate and Destiny. A long, long time ago he would have sworn he would never know this feeling. Was it love? Was it something like it? He didn't know. He was afraid to find out for the fact that he would never fulfill his purpose. He didn't deserve her kindness. Alexis belonged with the Autobots and was a human, it would never have worked out between them even if he did admit how he felt to her. Why did Primus have to curse him with these conflicting emotions? If it were any other time, any time outside of war, he would have considered trying to find a way to explore any options they had available.

"How 'bout joining with us?" Hot Shot had said as Starscream stood a little distance from the yellow Autobot along with Wheeljack, Alexis, Rad, Carlos and their Minicons. He didn't know if the request was because he helped them escape Unicron's body or if it was from when he was among the Autobot ranks, but the thought was all that had counted, even though Starscream knew better from previous experience.

"I'll have to pass. I don't want to risk betraying you a second time. It wouldn't be fair." Starscream said with a grave tone to his nasal voice. Why can't I just do what needs to be done yet? Is it because I still want to see her smile? He thought as he clenched a fist. It didn't make things any easier when he heard small footsteps move in his direction.

"I know you wouldn't do that, you wouldn't betray your friends, would you?" That achingly familiar voice of the human femme said as she sounded like she was begging him to stay. He understood her. She was the only one of the humans he understood. This didn't make matters any easier when he thought her question over.

He thought back to when he first became acquainted with her, when she was with the Autobots as he sought refuge from them. She gave him her trust unconditionally when the others weren't so sure. He didn't deserve trust from anyone in that base and proved it when he stole both the Sky Boom Shield and the Star Saber Sword from them. He never meant to hurt the humans, though. The humans were innocents in the war, caught up in it because they found the Minicons. It wan't fair to take anything out on them but that was what he did to her once, by denying her the chance to talk to him. He didn't know how to behave around her after never having tried to coexist with any species outside the Minicons or the Transformers. In retrospect it was wrong of him to not give her any chance to enjoy his company.

"I'm... not sure. I'm not sure of anything... anymore. You trusted me Alexis, and I thank you for that." He said hesitantly as his Spark sank with each word. It shouldn't have to be this way. He shouldn't have to be the one to do what needed to be done, but it had to be done, regardless of who was to do it or not. No one knew, though, that this would be the last time that anyone, aside from Galvatron and Optimus Prime, would see him alive. He felt the connection he had with Alexis through the pendant she carried but didn't take much comfort from it. It would only tell her if he was alive or not, and that reminder of his impending death came to bear down on his Spark even more before he lifted off the ground and left the group.

"Oh Starscream..." Were the words Alexis said that he never heard, uttered in a sad and worried voice as she grasped the pendant again. He would never know if she shared the same feelings for him as he for her. But he fought for her sake along with the Transformers race in that fateful fight with Galvatron. He would not let her kindness and trust in him go without being recognized.

I don't know what this feeling is inside me, but if it's love, then let love protect Alexis from any harm that could ever possibly befall her in the years to come. Starscream thought as he began fighting Galvatron.

What Starscream wanted seemed to change slightly in the presence of the Autobots. He couldn't be sure if it was he himself really wanted, or if it was something borne from his hatred that carried into conscious action. No one could possibly fathom the turmoil in his processor as he watched a sunset in the small valley beside the mountain where the Autobot base was. Sonar, Runway and Jetstorm stood at his feet, their small Minicon forms bathed in the orange glow of the evening in spite of the fact that their little frames were white and blue. They took a liking to Starscream even though his original intentions for them were to use them in destroying Megatron. The answers to anything were never clear for him anymore. What he thought would be his destiny was becoming obscured in a fog that he couldn't penetrate.

But he remembered... He remembered before the war that he wanted to be an explorer. His want from life was to explore the cosmos and bring back things from his expeditions. Losing himself to the Decepticons seemed like a good idea at the time, but he knew that there would be no escape once he was among the ranks. He didn't even know what possessed him to consider joining but there rested a deep and profound hatred in his Spark for some reason or another. No one could tell him and he inwardly recoiled when the silence was broken by the human femme, Alexis, coming to see him.

He knew she was only trying to help, but he didn't want company as he rudely told her to go away, but she remained as the Minicons he was with had left to go inside the base. It was all he could do to spare them from seeing his dark mood any further before he too left to go inside. He felt conflicting emotions war with him and couldn't put a finger on why he was this way.

I thought all I wanted was to destroy Megatron, but is that really what I want? Primus help me and show me the way to the right answer. He thought as he left the girl alone.

I never really knew my "mother," as humans would call them. My femme creator wasn't very much involved in my life when I was a Sparkling. I didn't know what to make of it when I was little but then again my mech creator was able enough to care for me when I needed things. I knew from an early age that I was destined to explore and learn, but somehow learning why my femme creator wasn't involved in my life just didn't seem to be a high priority.

Strange how some things just seem to be taken for granted in life.


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April 2010

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