Week 35 - Pain (musing_way).
Apr. 15th, 2010 12:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seekasiseekYou'd think it would be easy to ignore pain. Any kind of pain. But it isn't. Not when you're constantly reminded by the one who causes it that you're weak and insignificant. First and foremost, I don't want nor need anyone's pity. Never ever. Megatron of all mechs knows I don't want it. But he also knows how to get under my skin, as humans would say. Degrading, condescending and utter disregard for his men are what made me want nothing more than to be rid of Megatron for good. More often than not, my desire for this would get the best of me and I'd slip. I'd challenge him while blinded by anger. Each time I fought, I'd be overpowered and taken down like a Youngling again.
The one thing I've never admitted to in all this was how much it hurt knowing that I didn't have what it took to bring him down on my own. No matter how often I tried, with or without the Star Saber sword, with or without Minicons or even if I had help from Demolishor, Cyclonus, Sidesways, Thrust or Tidal Wave. None of that would have really mattered if Megatron had been in a particularly foul mood. On more than one occasion I'd found myself beaten within inches of my life for something that went wrong in his eyes, and I was supposedly his second in command! Hardly a real title considering how little regard he had for anyone.
But what hurt even more than all of this was when I betrayed my friends in the Autobots. The children worked so hard to help me get used to being an Autobot but the look in their eyes when they saw me take the Skyboom shield with me to the Decepticons... I'm sure if they could, they would have yelled at me until they were blue in the face.
You see, I knew that it would never have worked if I stayed with the Autobots. This was proven even moreso when they initially accused me of stealing the shield before I actually did it. Hot Shot didn't seem to even trust me, in spite of how... buddy-buddy we had gotten. It hurt, yeah, but what was I to do? I couldn't just sit around and feel sorry for myself. So I'd bottled up all that pain, even from when I had been left behind for deactivated in the rain with the Star Saber.
Then there was when Thrust betrayed Megatron and tried to fragging deactivate me. I couldn't even begin to tell you how much it hurt to be blasted in the gut by the Requiem Blaster. At that time, I knew just how Smokescreen felt when Megatron blasted him with the Requiem Blaster. There seemed to have been nothing I could do to prevent it from happening, but High Wire, one of the childrens' Minicons, had somehow transported them back in time and even altered history. Don't ask, I never could figure how they could do something like that. It was even harder to explain when Swindle and I went through our color changes after battling Nemesis Prime.
So yeah, you'd think that after all this, all the pain and Sparkache and grief I'd learn something from them. I still don't know what it is I'm supposed to have learned.
The one thing I've never admitted to in all this was how much it hurt knowing that I didn't have what it took to bring him down on my own. No matter how often I tried, with or without the Star Saber sword, with or without Minicons or even if I had help from Demolishor, Cyclonus, Sidesways, Thrust or Tidal Wave. None of that would have really mattered if Megatron had been in a particularly foul mood. On more than one occasion I'd found myself beaten within inches of my life for something that went wrong in his eyes, and I was supposedly his second in command! Hardly a real title considering how little regard he had for anyone.
But what hurt even more than all of this was when I betrayed my friends in the Autobots. The children worked so hard to help me get used to being an Autobot but the look in their eyes when they saw me take the Skyboom shield with me to the Decepticons... I'm sure if they could, they would have yelled at me until they were blue in the face.
You see, I knew that it would never have worked if I stayed with the Autobots. This was proven even moreso when they initially accused me of stealing the shield before I actually did it. Hot Shot didn't seem to even trust me, in spite of how... buddy-buddy we had gotten. It hurt, yeah, but what was I to do? I couldn't just sit around and feel sorry for myself. So I'd bottled up all that pain, even from when I had been left behind for deactivated in the rain with the Star Saber.
Then there was when Thrust betrayed Megatron and tried to fragging deactivate me. I couldn't even begin to tell you how much it hurt to be blasted in the gut by the Requiem Blaster. At that time, I knew just how Smokescreen felt when Megatron blasted him with the Requiem Blaster. There seemed to have been nothing I could do to prevent it from happening, but High Wire, one of the childrens' Minicons, had somehow transported them back in time and even altered history. Don't ask, I never could figure how they could do something like that. It was even harder to explain when Swindle and I went through our color changes after battling Nemesis Prime.
So yeah, you'd think that after all this, all the pain and Sparkache and grief I'd learn something from them. I still don't know what it is I'm supposed to have learned.
